Who am I?

Who have I become?

Before moving across the country I used to be this constantly outspoken, outwardly angry, say and do what I want kind of person.  This may sound negative, but I miss that person – especially the say/do what I want part of me.

Somewhere along the way, I’ve become an inwardly angry, solemn, say and do what others want kind of gal.  And, well, obviously I don’t like this person.  I’ve become more reserved and toned down my personality as I’ve had to learn in situations that this may help others to accept me.  My anger has not gone away, instead it’s turned inward an you can possibly only imagine how this makes me feel inside.

At least I know I'm Canadian

I haven’t really been able to fully be myself in quite sometime.  Yes, there are some individuals out there that actually love the real me… and sometimes I wonder why.  But, the question I should be asking myself is why do certain people like the fake me better?  And, should I care?

As some of you may know, it’s very hard to live uncomfortably in your own body.  It’s difficult to act certain ways just so some people don’t look at you strangely.  And, being in environments where you can never truly be yourself is just upsetting.

However, this is the life I live right now.  Keeping my crazy, honest, and loud self toned down so as not to offend others… causing offense to myself instead (which is better?).

I am definitely seeking change and as you can probably tell, I need it.  I’ve got myself into quite a mess personally and need to find the way out.  This journey is long and difficult, please let me have the patience to get through to the other side.  (That’s what yoga is for, right? :))  ॐ

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you can’t be your true self?  How did that make you feel?

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6 thoughts on “Who am I?

  1. It makes me feel icky. Like I said yesterday, I can’t hide my faces (Jenny actually practices faces that she can show her co-workers if she thinks they are stupid). It’s totally fine to be a loud and outspoken person, to have the strength of your convictions and what not but being angry takes soooo much energy. I hope you find your way again…(symbolically the journey home again perhaps?)

    • Oh, I know the anger thing is an energy drainer and an issue. Lots of hard work ahead… esp since I only really realized how much of the anger from my car accident I am still carrying. Thanks!

  2. It’s really hard when you can’t be who you feel like. I wonder, is it possible that there is a third you? A you that is less angry? Because, it sounds like the anger isn’t serving you whether directed out or in. But, the honest, crazy, unpredictable self, well it sounds like that is just the kind of person I would want to be around 🙂 I hope yoga helps you find your “you.”

    • Yes, there possibly could be… There is a me that is less angry in there somewhere. 🙂 Nice to know there’s someone out there that could appreciate the crazy me!!

  3. Sometimes I wonder how people in my life can stand me when I cannot stand myself. but then I try to remember that THATS why I am on this planet – to figure out how to stand myself. to figure out what i need to do in order to be the authentic person I am and love every minute of it. it comes with time. and lots of meditation!! but just by writing this post you are one step closer to getting to that place of integrity. never lose faith in yourself! ❤

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